Not Ruined. Changed.

My life was ruined! He ruined my life! I lost my job, I’m ruined! No, no, no, no, no!!!

I hear and read so many people using the word “ruined” to describe little mishaps and I think to myself, no, they have no idea what the word “ruined” really means. Ruined is the end. My friend is a painter. He tore a hole in his canvas. Yes. The painting was ruined. A family member of my friend’s house was a pile of moldy garbage after Hurricane Sandy. Yes. Her house was ruined. Now, mind you, I have never heard the word “ruined” escape either of their lips, they’re merely examples of what, to me, ruined IS. (IN TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SITUATIONS!! Minor ruin vs. major ruin–but they both have to be rebuilt–they had both reached the point of no return.)

I think a lot of people in my position would (and are) saying “My/Her life is ruined! She lost her job, marriage and health in less than one year!!” But I don’t look at it that way. All of these losses, they haven’t ruined me–nor will they ever. Instead, they have CHANGED me. My life isn’t ruined by some of the bullshit and pretty serious shit that I have gone through and am still facing, but it certainly is changed–and honestly, I think it’s changed for the better.

It’s true. I do have to face some pretty gruesome facts about myself, my past and my future, but quite honestly, I’ve never felt better or happier than I do at this point in my life. In some ways, I feel as if I’ve been freed from the chains carrying different names–chains that had been holding me back from who I really am and what I’ve really wanted for a very long time–and that’s the freedom to start all over again. Sure, I still have to deal with some of my past, I can’t ignore the fact that I have cancer or that I’m a Mommy. I can’t exactly run away and start over from scratch, nor do I have to. I still have a roof over my head and my extensive makeup collection, my good jeans and clothes that fit, but that’s not the change I’m writing about. I’m writing about the “Where Ever You Go, There You Are” kind of change. I’m writing about the change in ME. The way I think, how I feel, the contentment I feel every single day knowing that in the end, my life has not been ruined. It’s only changed. And I hope it keeps on changing, because one life is a million lives–I’m bravely marching in to to my next one.

And it’s gonna be good.

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