My Funny Divorce

My divorce didn’t start out as most divorces do. There was no discussion and no couple’s therapy. Sure, there were warning signs, and in my heart, I always knew this marriage wouldn’t last–there were red flags everywhere. I even tried to file for divorce back in 2010, but we “worked it out” and then, three years later on my way to the Oncologist’s office, the day I was officially diagnosed with cancer, I received a call from an unfamiliar number. It was an associate of my husband’s divorce attorney advising me that at 3:30 PM on that cold Friday in late January, my husband was going to appear in court with an Emergency Order to Show Cause evicting me from our marital residence and denying me custody of my daughter.

I arrived at the doctor’s office and called the only divorce attorney I had saved in my contacts from my previous attempt at leaving my husband. There I was, one arm outstretched being stuck with multiple needles while my free hand was being used to discuss my emergency situation to one of the most expensive divorce attorneys in New York City. He simply said “You need a lawyer. Come see me on Monday with a check for ten thousand dollars and I’ll buy the pizza.” Funny.  Bloodsucking at it’s finest.

Welcome Divine Intervention! That following Monday, walking from the subway to my attorney’s office, I received a call from my husband. He had been admitted into the hospital with a severe case of diverticulitis. Since I had been evicted from my home for two days, my stuff was everywhere! I had no phone charger and my battery was running low. I grabbed my fully charged iPad planning to log into my Facebook account to let my friends know that I was temporarily sans phone and to message me if they needed to get in touch.

Ha. Ha. Ha. Now, this is funny… My husband. The attorney. The man who I had always looked up to as being so  intelligent had made the biggest mistake ever. I touched the Facebook app to log in, and what comes up? HIS ACCOUNT. I rarely used my iPad, it was usually just sitting around the house somewhere losing power, but I had no idea that HE was using it. And so I went through all of his messages and learned that he had been planning this for about a month. A MONTH!! And so I waited. And waited. And waited. Knowing my (ex)husband could never, ever keep his mouth shut about anything, I knew something would come up and at about 6:00 PM that night it did… A message to his friend about how he had an ex-girlfirend come visit him in the hospital and give him an “unprompted” massage. He wrote some other horribly incriminating things about himself (well, horrible for him…wonderful for me…funny…) that I won’t write about in public only out of the last shred of respect I have for him as my daughter’s father. Well, one screen shot and an e-mail to my attorney later, we were back in court the very next day–his “Emergency” Order to Show Cause reversed in my favor and my first victorious battle in this war called divorce.

The past seven months have been an absolute roller coaster ride between the two of us. At one point, he even suggested reconciliation. I laughed. That was pretty funny. We fought, we cursed, we cried (in our separate beds, of course…) and we blamed, blamed, blamed. I think I came to an acceptance about our separation and ultimately, our divorce faster than he did, but that’s just because of who we are as people. I know I’ll be ok. I’m alright being alone. I’ve always been a bit of a loner and I don’t and never did need a partner to make me feel complete, but I think he’s different. I think he’s scared. I think he needs that “triangle” to feel like he’s part of a real family. He NEEDS a woman, even if it’s just for the night, for comfort and companionship. And honestly, I feel a little sorry for him because of that. It’s weak and I never, until this year, have ever seen him as weak.

Anyway, we’re getting along pretty well now, and our daughter understands that we love her no matter what happens between her parents and that it’s not her fault and that we will BOTH be there for her no matter what. My (ex)husband, yeah, he annoys the shit out of me on most days, and I don’t trust him worth a dime, but I put on my smiley face and lots of post-it notes with directions on how to do just about everything concerning our daughter on his custody nights. I even rubbed sunscreen on his back the other day as he was about to bring our daughter to the beach. As I placed my hands on his bare skin for the first time in months, he turned his head back to me and said “this is the most expensive massage I’ve ever had.”


Just like this divorce.


2 thoughts on “My Funny Divorce

  1. I ❤u and I’m sorry you’re going through this but you’ve always been resilient. You’re a tough cookie but if your cookies crumbling call me and I’ll bring milk 😉


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