After a crazy week with a sick daughter, several doctor appointments, a growing pile of laundry, a Friday morning rendezvous, and a very late ex-husband picking up my daughter for his weekend, I closed the door and…silence.
I do love silence. I admit, on the weekends my daughter is with my ex, I close the door and I breathe it in. Deeply. I don’t know what was wrong with me today, but for once, I didn’t like it. It wasn’t relaxing or serene.
It was lonely.
I turned on the television and tried to find a program to fall asleep to. But I couldn’t. I walked from room to room, picking up this and that, folding clothing, feeling restless, but mostly alone.
Thinking I would fall asleep, I turned on the “Do Not Disturb” function on my phone, but it didn’t matter, because like my home, my phone was silent too. No texts, no calls.
It was lonely.
I tried to distract myself. I have a million things to do, but I couldn’t finish anything. My mind was wandering. I was exhausted, but not tired. It’s close to midnight here in Brooklyn and I’ve been up since 7:30, spent the day with a rambunctious child, took a chill pill and while my body is exhausted and my head hurts and my lack of iron should make me doze off at any given moment, I can’t relax.
It’s the silence.
I don’t like it today.
I’ve always been a loner and I enjoy my own company, but today I wanted noise. Not jackhammer noise, more like the clinking of glasses or the sound of my daughter splashing in the tub or a conversation with a good friend. I’ll admit, it was a little depressing.
Tonight I’ll go to sleep without setting my alarm and tomorrow will be another lovely day in Brooklyn and I know I’ll feel a million times better than I do at this moment, but right now, I can only try to explain how I feel, because it’s new. A new feeling. And not a very good one.
I think I feel silent. And empty. And it will pass. I know it will. And as much as I love the sound of silence, today I do not like it at all.
A feeling I’ve never felt before.