Get Busy Livin’ or Get Busy Dyin’

Another hot recluseI am becoming have become a recluse.

Not quite sure when or how it happened. Slowly, over time, but yeah.

I have become a recluse.

I’m sick. I’m exhausted. I’m sad and depressed. This is so honest my heart hurts writing it.

My life has become a mundane routine of waking up, dropping my girl off at school and then off to various doctor appointments or other wretched obligations. I have a hair appointment tomorrow afternoon and I don’t want to go. I’m dreading it.

I’m dreading a hair appointment!

I crawl underneath my covers in a benzo haze and pray for sweet dreams. I wake up to a silent phone.

Where did my friends go? Where is my family? I’ve reached out. I have. They’re gettin’ busy livin’. And I’m getting busy dyin’.

Except for him. I love him. More than any man I’ve ever known. He wants to see me and I push him away. “I’m too sick” I say. I am sick. Physically. Emotionally. I don’t want him to see me like this.

He makes me feel ALIVE. Maybe that’s why I’ve been pulling away. I miss him so much my body aches. His voice. His scent. His laugh. His…

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I fought so hard. I got busy livin’…not knowing if I would actually make it.

I made it.

When the divorce started, sick in my bones, I fought like a boxer. I won. I made it.

This winter was brutal, but I got up everyday, put on my face and got busy livin’. Spring is life. Life. Spring has arrived and I’m too busy dyin’ to LIVE.

I’ve never felt this way before. If it wasn’t for my girl, Oh My God, I’d spend my life in bed. Throw away this phone that I’m writing this from and wither away.

I want to say these feelings will pass, but they’re not feelings. They’ve become a way of life.

I don’t want to lay down and die. That’s not me! I’m a fighter! I’m fun! I’m happy. I used to be.

I gotta get busy livin’, man, because dying, dying is way too easy.

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14 thoughts on “Get Busy Livin’ or Get Busy Dyin’

  1. Here I am “dying” and you’re selling me your book?? You’re a magician. You just made me smile from ear to ear. How do I pre-order that book? You always make me laugh. (In a good way.)

    • Oh man. Do you know, I was regretting saying that almost immediately after I wrote it. But I’m glad you took it in the way it was intended. Which was to make you smile.

      If you are seriously interested, the relevant links are on my most recent post. There’s also some eye candy there for you. Hopefully it won’t burn your eyes!

  2. Girl stop it. You know damn well I’m waiting for you to say the word so we can sit around and talk shit about every body we know. But you have to say the word because only you know if you have the strength for it. Orrrrrr I can stalk you show up at your crib and camp out until you have to take the girl to school or need to buy toilet paper. I’m game for both. As for family, maybe they think you have it together because you always seem to. You have to ask for help or at least hint at it sometimes. People are usually afraid to impose ❤️. I’m praying for you.

    • Ugh. Don’t pray for me!! I’m feeling blue, broke, sick & lonely. The ex doesn’t make it any easier and I’m just exhausted. Maybe the hair appointment will knock me out of this funk. Trust me, I’ve hinted at the “help” thing. My only option is to hire somebody- a housekeeper a couple of times a week–maybe someone to help w/ my girl. That requires cash–and the ex is 15K in arrears at this point. The only thing that makes me realize this is not permanent is that I haven’t given up my cat eyes and good jeans. Still shopping. Oh, and Sephora.

    • I’m going to be in FL 5/8-12 but if you’re there before I’m down! 15k isn’t he a…”professional”?!! WTF! What a dick! Try your best to hit up that hair appt. I loathe the process but I always feel so muh better afterwards. My life can be in the toilet but hair and nails save the day – and eyeliner 😉

  3. Hi. I’m new to WordPress and this is the first time I’ve read your blog, but oh how I can relate! I’ve been there and come out on the other side, but when you’re in it, it feels like it will never end. (((Hugs))) One thing cancer does is show you who your true friends are. People don’t often realize it, but it’s true. All of this is just to say you are not alone and you can get through this. ❤

    • Thank you so much for reading and your empathy! My posts aren’t usually so blue, but I’ve just been feeling awful lately. I beat it once and I can’t fathom a second battle. Thank you again!! xo

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