Goodbye My Lovers. Goodbye Best Friends.

For the past four years, through the help of a brilliant therapist and a philosophical Rabbi/Psychiatrist, I have been working on my emotional and spiritual self. I do think I have come close to finding a level of inner peace that helps me handle the toxic ugliness that pervades my everyday life and I am happy, but I still have emotional baggage. I’m dumping that shit. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I followed what the doctors told me, did my time attached to an IV for six months and took all of my prescriptions, but behind the scenes, I was a bad girl. I smoked, I sunned and I sinned. I decided to take control of these habits and crush them one by one. This is step one.


Goodbye My Lovers

I met cigarettes when I was fifteen years old and by seventeen, I was officially a smoker. Thirteen years later I quit. For five years.During the six years that i did not smoke, I had funny cigarettes to help me fulfill my oral fixation, but that came to an end rather organically and I had a good three years of nothing but fresh New York City air filling my lungs. I returned to my former lovers and best friends slowly and surely, they became a part of my life again. I loved them.

I loved them.

My smokey treats (term coined by Jimmy Love) helped me through the scandal, the divorce, ironically, the cancer and the stresses of being a single Mommy. How i loved waking up twenty minutes earlier than my girl to sit on my fire escape with a cup of coffee and a couple of butts. How I much fun I had drinking and smoking and laughing with my friends. I loved lounging on the beach with an icy coke and a cigarette. I loved sitting at my kitchen table when I had the place to myself with a bottle wine and a couple of packs of cigarettes. I’m sitting at that very kitchen table right now with a bottle of wine and a Nicoderm patch on my back. I have a couple of Vapes, but they need to be charged and… I’ll be right back…

Ok. Vapes are charging. (…relief…)

Over the past year, I have tried to quit a few times. Sadly, I even smoked with the patch on. I was so in love, I did stupid shit. It was this past weekend when I was down to four cigs and my last glass of wine that i said to myself “it’s time.” I know the damage it was doing to my body, I mean, Goddamn, they shove those horrible “Quit Smoking” ads down your throat (no pun intended) where ever you look in New York.


A smaller factor was the smell. That shit lingers. It makes my beautifully washed hair stink. It makes my couch stink. My clothes stink. When my girl would come home after a weekend with her Dad, I could still smell my weekend of puffing. And I felt bad.

Finally, there was the cost. In New York, a pack of smokes ranges anywhere from twelve to fourteen bucks. A pack a day for a month adds up to roughly four hundred dollars.



That’s close to five grand a year!!  That’s like good tattoos or a large contribution to my IRA!

So, I thought to myself, “A box of patches is fifty bucks and it could potentially save my life AND five thousand dollars a year…sign me up!!”

It’s only day four and I’ve been an incredible bitch, almost caved twice but I’m still committed to this goal. If I can leave this toxic lover behind, I can do anything and there are things I NEED to do. More toxic waste to get out of my body. Get out of my mind.

I loved you, my little smokers, but you hurt me so bad.



5 thoughts on “Goodbye My Lovers. Goodbye Best Friends.

  1. Smoke free for a year this month! Thanks to vaping, make sure you get the right equipment, nicotine mg and flavor! Orange creamsicle is all I use, started at 18mg, dropped to 12mg (this was just like smoking) then dropped to 9, 6 and now I am at 3 and usually leave it unless I am bored or drinking. Good luck

    • The Vapes are so frustrating!!! I feel like I never get a good drag and they taste like shit! I’m using vapor-fi–I think 2.5 mg, mild flavor. I bought them when I was on a “Breaking Bad” binge and I wanted to smoke and watch while my girl was home. Congrats on your one year anniversary! You’re done!

      • Go to a vape store and buy a real unit and get some juice with some nicotine in it like the cigs had. 2.5mg is nothing, you’ll need 12mg at least to start, then drop from there. They will let you sample other flavors too, so you can find one you like. Do that and the transition will be much, much easier. BTW…check out Better Call Saul 🙂


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