Suzy’s Lapses

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I’m such a lazy blogger. I have a bunch of drafts and a river of ideas running through my mind, but there are periods of time when I just can’t bring myself to write.

It could be depression. I can write several posts on my battle with depression.

It could be fatigue. My cancer doesn’t want to go away and I have “traces” of leukemia in my blood. Not enough to treat but enough to make me crazy, super tired. I have to “watch and wait.” That’s all I can do. Watch and wait. Oh, and have a colonoscopy. Yay Cancer!!!

It could be my single mom status. I’m with my girl all of the time. When she’s with her Dad, I just want to collapse in bed or on the beach. I used to use that time to have sex, but that came to an end last week. (Yes, I’m pissed. Yes, I will write the post when I can focus.”)

It could be my slowly dying MacBook. I really need a new one. I should just bite the bullet and slap it on a credit card.

Whatever the reason is, I am going to try really hard to post at least once or twice a week–even if it’s just a photo with a few words or…oh who the hell am I kidding?? I’m not going to post a damn photo with a few words! I’ve never done that before.

I am going to finish up some of my drafts. I am going to continue my “Great Loves” series. I am going to be present.

I’m scrolling through my reader and I realize that I miss y’all!!

You will see me again soon.

Kisses!!

Good Friends and Beach Therapy

Seagate Beach. Brooklyn, NY.

Seagate Beach. Brooklyn, NY.

I was heartbroken and sad this week  (post to come, but I just can’t write about it yet)  and I didn’t want to do much except lay around on my couch or in my bed and feel sad and empty.That lasted for a day and a night until my friend “Big Daddy” stepped in and commanded me to get the fuck out of bed and meet him and my buddies “Mama Lu” and “Chick Pea” at the beach.

I always keep a beach bag packed in my car, so getting ready to head to the beach solo is a fairly easy operation. I just throw on a suit, pack my essentials in a little ziplock bag and bring a bottle of water. I know my friends come fully prepared with food and drink.

I got into my hot car, feeling empty and blue, hit some traffic, thought about my bed and finally got to the beach.  My friends were missing from their easily recognizable “station.” They were in the water and I set up my little spot and lotioned up until Chick Pea came strolling back from her dip.

Chick Pea doesn’t now about the relationship I was involved in as it was clandestine and she and I are not as close as we used to be. It was nice to be around someone who didn’t know about what I had gone through 24 hours earlier and just shoot the breeze. Chick Pea is adorably hot. She’s 5 feet tall, an Italian-Puerto Rican beauty who resembles Jessica Alba, though I find her to be prettier. We chatted for a while and caught up on shit until Big Daddy and Mama Lu came strolling back from their swim. Immediately, Mama Lu gave me a big kiss and Big Daddy offered me food and drink. I couldn’t eat much due to some stomach problems I have, but I love an Icy Coke and he gave me one.

It was a beautiful day! I was only about ten miles from my house, maybe even less, but what a difference I felt laying around on my oversized beach towel than in my oversized bed. The sun felt so good on my face and body and when i finally couldn’t stand the heat any longer, I hopped into the ocean with Big Daddy, floated on my back, talked with only our heads above water and that’s how I began to feel–like my head was just above the water. I wasn’t sinking anymore.

I stayed pretty late and I felt the despair starting to come back as I drove home to what would be my lonely apartment, but I had begun to heal. I have a long way to go as he was an essential part of my life for a long time and as the summer comes to a lazy close, I realize I may not have much beach therapy left, but what I do have are my friends. My irreplaceable, funny, kind and generous friends who have stood by me through all of my madness. I suppose every group of friends needs one madwoman.

I am thrilled to be theirs.

Great Loves: #1

If I ever see him again, I will probably burst into tears. I will sob and point an accusatory finger at him and through my deep weeping breaths say “You did this to me! It is all your fault!”

Once I collect myself, I will look into his speckled green eyes and ask him how he is. He will tell me he has a girlfriend and I will get jealous. Like every other great love I’ve lost, he will say ” You did it first. You got married.” He will ask me “What happened?” and I will know he’s speaking of the scandal. We will talk and laugh and we will feel that feeling that only comes with your first love.

I want to tell him how much he hurt me. How he didn’t only break my heart, he broke me. He held the key to my jail cell and allowed me to be free. The freedom we shared was bad. I want him to know that every time he fucked me, he fucked me up. Every line he cut left a permanent mark.

I want to ask why he used me at the end? I want to know if the “good girl” was better than me. I’ll say “She’s married now, you know, and she still carries a foolish grudge against me. She knows you loved me in a way she could never be loved.”

I’ll tell him that when he left, when he ran away, I was nothing. I filled that gaping hole with drugs and sex and self destruction.

I am still self destructive and I blame you.

Oh my God, I loved you so much.

I love you so much.

I want to see him and I don’t. What he is now is a mystery. No social media to stalk. He’s a ghost. A ghost from my past who scares me.

I like it when he scares me.

I think I scare him too and for as long as we live, he will never want to see me again. Because there will be fire and pain and the love you can only feel with your first love.

Parenting Trends That Must Die

Due to social media being the new “keeping up with the Jonses”, I’ve noticed a few new parenting tends that annoy the shit out of me. I will NOT keep up with you Jonses no matter how many happy photographs you post on Facebook and Instagram. I’ll raise my child as I want to and will partake in events that I want to–not because everybody else is doing them.

Annoying Parenting Trend #1: posting Photos with Signs for Everything!
It’s my first day of school! (Forced 6 year old smoke holding a sign stating “it’s my first day of school.” Hey! It’s everybody’s first day of school. I think the parents should be holding up signs which scream “Thank You, Holy Jesus! It’s their first day of school!!”

Annoying Parent Trend #2: Pumpkin/Apple Picking

When in the hell did everybody become so obsessed with apples and pumpkins? “We’re going Pumpkin picking, Kids! Here, no, wait, here, no, here, yes here is a great little patch of pumpkins for you to sit in. Now smile. I know it’s hot and crowded. Smile! I have to get a good one!” Ten million pumpkin picking photos on my newsfeed and Instagram. You know where I went pumpkin picking as a kid? The supermarket. And the apples… Oh the apples. What on Earth are you going to do with all those damn apples? But who cares? Right? It’s a great photo op. You know what my fall tradition has been with my daughter since she could walk? A trip to Greenwood Cemetery on Columbus Day. That’s what I think is fun. Walking among the 200 year old graves, sitting quietly by the fountain. Yes, I’ve taken photos, but I never posted them. It might offend people. “She should be bringing her daughter to a pumpkin patch or a nice orchard, not some creepy ol’ cemetery.” Do you know I once saw a photo of a friend’s child crying in a pumpkin farm because the only pumpkins left were rotted? It was a pumpkin cemetery. But, she got the pic!

Annoying Parenting Trend # 3: Lessons, lessons, lessons…

I am not against extra curricular activities. I’m not against sports or chess or ballet or any of that. What I can’t deal with is the excessive lessons. “On Monday Mindy has gymnastics, Tuesdays are fantasy dance, Wednesdays are soccer and on Saturday morning we bring her to the new indoor ice skating rink.” I’m exhausted just thinking about all if that physical activity. How about one lesson at a time? See what your kid likes? My daughter wants to ice skate. I’ll bring her for two trial lessons before I commit to the cost of skates, pads, and the tuition. Whatever happened to just bringing your kid to the zoo? Letting the kid run around on a playground or in a nice grassy field?

Annoying Parenting Trend #4: The Photo Christmas Card

This tradition has been around for so long, I don’t think it’s a trend anymore. It’s the norm. It’s not that I don’t like seeing photos of your kids during the holidays, but with the explosion of social media since the photo holiday card began, I see your kid every. single. day. Now I have to make them an addition to my holiday decor? Do you know how guilty it makes me feel to toss photos of your precious children into the garbage can every January? I save the cards from my nieces and nephews, but if I haven’t spoken to you face to face in more than a year, your kids are getting tossed. How about a nice Hallmark greeting instead? I still send Hallmark greetings because you’re just as sick of seeing photos of my kid as I am of yours.

I’m a good mom with a smart, well-adjusted kid despite the fact that she’s lived with my cancer and her parent’s acrimonious divorce for the past three years. She gets birthday parties, she has play dates, she loves My Little Pony and gets good grades. I will raise her the way I want to raise her and will not put her every movement on virtual display, nor will I judge you for participating in these annoying trends, as long it’s because you feel they are best for your child and not because everybody else is doing it– I should too!!

Annoying parent trends must die. They’re turning our kids into little cookie cutters for the sake of a Facebook or Instagram post. And it pisses me off.

Do any other parents/non-parents feel this way? Do you disagree with me? Are there any other parent trends I might have forgotten? Speak to me!!

Most Enviable Closets In Pinterestt

Gorgeous photos of gorgeous closets by Fernanda B.

Fernanda's Choice

They are incredibly decorated, organized and designed… The dream of all Girls… At least the Fashionable ones 🙂

They display all kind of designer shoes and clothes… While some of us still don’t have something like this, There is no harm to look at it ❤

I preset you with the most wonderful walk-in closets.

The Museum like closet :O

See through drawers ❤

White decor

…More shoes…

All Black 😀

Some Hats!!

Chanel Bags ❤

Perfection

Racks Paradise ❤ ❤ ❤

Soon!! I’ll have my walk-in Paradise ❤

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HUGE Giveaway this Friday!

Love this!!

Fernanda's Choice

two words. white hot  || The 9 Best Outfits We've Seen In A LONG Time via @WhoWhatWear

Hi my beautiful bloggers out there!

To be honest when I started blogging I did it because I have been wanting to write, encourage women all over the world and make them feel you are special and beautiful in your own way.. I have been having so much love that I need to thank all of you for that. So Today I am celebrating my 100th post, reaching the most amount of views since I started blogging and also the fact that I have received the best response from you.

I am doing a Fashion Giveaway for this Friday 29th.

I will be  selecting one of my followers and the only thing you have to do is reblog this post and follow me.

To the winner:

I will be sending the winner an outfit, makeup goodies, accessories and a special mention on my blog so all my followers can…

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Gratitude: Day 3

I’ve had a terrible week, but I refuse to give up on my gratitude challenge!

My Doctors
I’m so grateful for my wonderful, attentive, excellent doctors. For those of you who do not know how I was diagnosed with CLL, it was my Ob/Gyn who found it. I went in for my yearly check up in January 2013 weighing 90 pounds. He asked if I was anorexic. When I exclaimed “No!” He asked to run some tests. Two days later I received a call from him telling me I had to see a hematologist–like yesterday. My white blood cell count was off the charts. One week later, I was tentatively diagnosed with leukemia by the best hematologist/oncologist in the world. He has not only become my doctor, but strangely, a father figure. He knows my rebellious nature and “warns” me about what I can and can not do at every visit. He also makes me laugh and calls me “Hollywood” because I showed up to every chemo session with my full face on–even lashes! I love them both and thank God for them.

My Education
I am grateful for my education. There are too many places on this Earth where women aren’t even allowed to learn how to read. If they do, they get beaten or killed. There are children in other countries who have one wish–to go to school. Writing this makes me a little teary. We. Are. So. Lucky.

My Apartment
I am grateful for my rent stabilized apartment in Park Slope. As the middle class gets pushed out of NYC due to the gross rent costs, I am grateful to have secured a home in an excellent neighborhood for me and my daughter–and I ain’t leavin’–no matter how much money my new landlord offers to buy us out. It’s no palace, but it’s home and there is an Uncle Louie G’s right on my corner! (For those who are wondering who Uncle Louie is it’s a nice cream shop. I’m a regular…)

Being Grateful: Day 2

Thanks again to Gus Gus for challenging me to do this…

Good Sheets
I am grateful for good sheets! Since I spend so much time in bed (sleeping! Get your minds out if the gutter!!) I have learned the nuisances among sheeting. There is nothing like slipping into a very high thread count, 100% cotton neatly made bed when you have a 101 fever. Or anytime, for that matter!

My teeth

I am truly grateful that God blessed me with a beautiful and healthy set of teeth. I’ve never been afraid of the dentist because as my late, great dentist once told me “if everybody had teeth like you, I’d go out of business.” They’re as straight and white as a picket fence, I’ve never had braces nor a cavity. I’m grateful that I don’t know the agony of a root canal, crowns or drilling. I’ve had a bit of help in the whitening department with a “zoom” procedure ten years ago and crest white strips here and there, but I’m grateful I don’t really need them. I love to laugh and smile and having a good set of teeth makes it even better.

Great Books
I have a few incredible stories of my own, but I love to read stories written by other people. The only thing I miss about teaching English is being forced to read great books–and not just read them– delve into them, analyze them, make “friends” with the characters and find ways to relate my own life to theirs. I am also starting to love, I suppose you could call it Sci-Fi, but I’m not sure, Zombie stories!! They’re creepy and crazy and I find them a bit funny. I thank those who introduced me to the world of Zombies.

I am fully prepared.

This is my day 2. Thanks again to Gus Gus for challenging me to do this, and if what I’m grateful for seems a bit useless or small–remember–I’m working my way up to the bigger stuff!

I Am Grateful… Day 1

My good friend Gus Gus challenged me to write about three things I am grateful for every day for an entire week. I accepted her challenge and this is Day 1. I’m starting out small and getting bigger and bigger each day…

Positive Thoughts: Day 1

Brooklyn!

I feel lucky and grateful to have been born and bred in Brooklyn, NY. Being a “Brooklyn Girl” is a part of my entire being. I wouldn’t be “me” had I grown up or moved somewhere else. It has given me a certain toughness, a great accent and the amazing opportunity to have grown up with and continue to meet people from all walks of life–the rich and the poor, the evil and the kind, a million different ethnicities (sometimes rolled up into one person!), the best pizza in the world–and I’ve been to Italy!, the memories of summer days on Jane ‘s stoop with my motley crew of friends, excellent schools and the honor to say with pride “I’m from Brooklyn. Born and Bred.”

DJ & The N.Y. Yankees

Derek Jeter (and the NY Yankees) OK, besides my obvious crush on him, Derek exemplifies hard work, dignity, honesty and athleticism. He’s quiet and reserved. He’s a bit too serious, in my opinion, but there is NOTHING like watching Mr. Jeter step up to the plate, put his arm straight up to balance his stance and hit one of his signature 1st base balls–setting up his team to go for the big hits. A slugger he’s not, but as a captain, I mean how could you not have tremendous

respect for him? I’m going to miss him.

My Kitchen Window

Yes, I am grateful for a window. I live in an old railroad apartment and I only have three windows, but my kitchen window is my favorite. It’s almost six feet tall, leads out to my fire escape, where every summer I plant a little garden. I have beautiful memories of holding my little baby in my arms and staring at the fat snowflakes falling from the cold January sky. I stare at the beautiful cherry blossom tree every April, waiting for it to POP, in the summer, I use it to “test” the weather, plant my garden, and hang out with a friend or two. The Fall brings a gorgeous portrait of colorful leaves on the trees that grow in my neighbors’ yards and as a bit of a voyeur, I watch with happiness other families planting gardens, having barbecues, birthday parties, and just relaxing in their own yards or on their own fire escapes. It also has a great view of the Barclay’s Center and 1 Hanson place. Yes, I’m grateful for my kitchen window.

That’s all for today, friends. Thanks for reading and thanks to Gus Gus for inspiring me to take on this challenge.

Sean Smithson

I “met” Sean shortly after starting this blog just over a year ago. He was one of my first followers and we hit it off immediately. When I made a post regarding my confusion setting up my WordPress page, Sean … Continue reading